The Jeffersonian: Politicks, Sports, and Culture

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Obligatory Sports Post

There's alot of sports stuff I've wanted to write about over the past week, none of which though deserves its own post. So I'm rolling it all into one. If you don't like sports, well, you probably stopped reading after the title, but move along .

First up, Bill Simmons' new mailbag. Easily the funniest read on the internets when they go up (there's even a political joke in there!). Here's some examples why:

Q: So Eddy Curry's heart is apparently one of the 14 body parts the NBA's insurer won't cover. What are the other 13? The obvious ones are Grant Hill's ankle, Ilgauskas' feet, Mourning's kidney and Webber's knee. What else? Shaq's waistline? Spree's fists? Nowitzki's hair?
--Steve, San Francisco

SG: Good question. Here are my guesses for eight of them ...

1. Rip Hamilton's nose.

2. Vince Carter's heart.

3-4. The lungs of Damon Stoudamire and Lamar Odom.

5. Quentin Richardson's back ... actually, this is true. Phoenix signed him even though the team couldn't get it insured, then Isiah assumed his contract under the same pretenses. Smart move. It's not as though bad backs are a chronic thing.

6. Gary Payton's back ... because of the salad fork sticking out of it.

7. Eduardo Najera's face ... if only because he's going to agitate someone to the point of a Kermit Washington-type incident soon. He makes Bruce Bowen look like Gandhi.

8. Jeff McInnis ... remember when Charles Oakley wanted to kill him before David Stern intervened? Well, I don't care whether they called a truce to keep the Commish happy. You don't cross Oak. In fact, I don't even like joking about Oakley under the 0.0001 percent chance he might know how to surf the Internet. Let's just move on.

...

Q: In your "Midseason Form" column, you write about how your wife hates Mariah Carey and that most women do. Try this: Tell your wife that you find Jennifer Love Hewitt attractive and you enjoy her acting. You may even be able to squeeze a whole column out of her reaction and the pure bile that women spit when hearing her name. Ask any sisters, sisters-in-law, other female friends; they all hate her universally, and it is unexplainable.
--Jack, Cleveland

SG: Just for the record, I tried this with the Sports Gal this week ... she reacted like George Brett in the Pine Tar Game. Highest of high comedy. Somebody needs to film the pilot, "Everybody Hates Jennifer."

The reason it's funny- you've gotta be a massive sports nerd like myself to fully comprehend it. The guy could've just said his wife went crazy over the Jennifer Love Hewitt comment. Not good enough. He slips in the George Brett-Pine Tar incident and takes the mailbag to another level.

I'm man enough to say it. Bill Simmons makes me giggle. Moving on...

Is there really any reason why Tyson Chandler and Eddie Curry haven't been signed, or why they're both demanding lots and lots of money for very little production? Oh wait, that's right, it's the NBA.

Contrary to popular reports, the Miami Heat trade doesn't do a thing for me. If you made me a GM and asked me to name the point guard and small forward that I would never pick to play on my team it'd have to be Jason Williams and Antoine Walker (rounding out my anti-team would be Vince Carter, Carlos Boozer, and Greg Ostertag. Sadly enough, my anti-team would still be good enough to make the Eastern Conference playoffs). The only way this trade remotely works is if Walker allows himself to be a sixth man and Posey starts. Even then you just went from Damon Jones to J-Will at PG. Horrible. White Chocolate is like Maverick... except with no redeemable qualities whatsoever.

And finally, here's reason # 132,769 why I hate the Yankees and Yankees fans.