The Jeffersonian: Politicks, Sports, and Culture

Friday, June 03, 2005

Why I Love Bill Simmons

From his recent mailbag:

Q: I was watching the final of "The Contender" when my wife made the observation, "Jesse Brinkley is way too hot to be married to that chubby girl." Without even thinking I blurted out, "Well, she probably didn't look like that when they got married." Somehow my wife took that comment to mean that I think she is getting fat. Are all women irrational or is it just my wife?
– JT, River Vale, N.J.

SG: Nope. It's not just your wife. During Monday night's "Miss Universe" telecast, I had the following exchange with the Sports Gal:

Me: Wow, between Miss Venezuela and Miss Peru, I think we need to take our next vacation in South America.

Her: Very funny.

(Ten-second pause where you can hear their wheels turning as they slowly became angry.)

Her: "You know, you're enjoying this show WAY too much. I wish they had these shows with guys."

Me: "Yeah, but there's one difference."

Her: "What's that?"

Me: "I wouldn't watch a Mr. Universe show with you. In fact, I would rather kill myself."

(Five-second pause as they're totally flustered by a flawless, logical statement, followed by the obligatory obscenity.)

Q: If Mike Bibby and Miles Simon are walking down the street, does Bibby just pretend that he doesn't know Simon at this point?
– Ray, Pittsburgh

SG: I think he gives him the "Yo, man, what's up?" and performs some sort of elaborate handshake with him, but he's walking away within 8 seconds.

Q: Will you settle a disagreement for me? My buddy (who couldn't even start for a D-II college team) thinks he would be a starter in the WNBA. He's about 6-foot-2, and is a 27-year-old lefty with decent speed, quickness and ability (for a white boy). I say he plays some minutes for a decent D-I women's team, but doesn't even make the WNBA. My buddies and I are currently split 3-3 on whether he even makes the league. What do you think? Please shoot him down b/c I'm tired of listening to him talk about how he "smoked" the handful of D-I and D-II women's college players that he's played against.
– Jeff Nelson

SG: I think he would immediately become the 2005 WNBA MVP.

Q: Quick Vegas/Celebrity Story – My buddy Ralph and I are playing craps at the Hard Rock last weekend at the table next to Elizabeth Shue. Every time we rolled a pass we were screaming out "Ali, with an I!" After about 20 minutes, she looks over at my friend Ralph and says "Hey ... that joke. It's really not workin for ya." Ralph pauses, looks her right in the eye, and says "I really like your car Mrs. Larusso!"
– JT, Holmdel, N.J.

SG: Yup ... these are my readers.

and finally,

Q: How many times has this argument taken place across America: When speaking about the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston triangle/breakup/rumors, every guy has said that if Brad were going to dump Jennifer the only woman it would make sense to do it for would be Angelina, followed by any woman within listening distance arguing with the man that Jennifer is as good as it gets, and Angelina is basically a prostitute?
– Jack

SG: (Nodding.)

only one addition to this last question. It's more of a angry, half-screaming thing rather than an argument. You can, if you like to live on edge, also also have fun with it as witnessed by my conversation with the girlfriend:

Me: "Well, I don't know, I mean Angelina does give like 1/3 of her total salary to charity and she is a UN Goodwill Ambassador. What else has Jennifer Aniston done outside of give us that quintessential white-bread comedy, Friends?"

G/F: *Choosing to ignore the Friends dig* "Of course you would choose her over Jennifer Aniston and you know it has nothing to do with that UN crap. Angelina Jolie is a prostitute..."

Me: "Whoah, wait a minute now you've crossed the line..."

G/F: "God, what is it with you men and the whole 'out of luck stripper/prostitute with a heart of gold' thing?"

...wait for it, wait for it...

Me: "So why is Pretty Woman one of your favorite movies again?" *ducking quickly so as to not get hit by the remote turned aerial projectile.*